2012: Logic Optional
by Blanky Man
Summary: My attempt at poking fun at this film as much as possible.
1. Chapter 1: A New Hopeless

_A/N: Hi. This is my first ever fanfic upload, yay me. It's a parody script, somewhat similar in format to _The Editing Room_'s parody scripts. Thanks go to _iheartmwpp _for inspiring me to follow in her stead and write/rant about this movie._

_Disclaimer: I do not own, nor want to own, any rights to "2012". I also do not own The Wizard of Oz, any quips shamelessly stolen from _iheartmwpp_, any intellectual property associated with GPS navigation products, "Money, Money, Money" by ABBA, "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain, Chris Crocker's "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!" rant, Billy Mays' catch phrase "BUT I'M NOT DONE YET!", or that moldy sandwich in your fridge. Seriously, it's not mine. :(_

The movie begins with eerie music over the normally cheerful Columbia logo. LENS FLARE #1 is born, delighting the Adobe After Effects crew. Oh look, some planets? This is one disproportionate solar system, if the planets are _that_ close to the Sun.

**SATURN:** I'm thankful this cameo only lasts a few seconds.

Aaaaaand... back to the Sun.

**SOLAR FLARE:** I NEVER SAW PARIS!

Suddenly, we're not in Kansas any more.

**AUDIENCE:** Could you please shut up, there's enough foreshadowing in the movie as is.

Fine, fine. We're in India, at some random copper mine in 2009. Chiwetel Ejiofor, henceforth known by his character ADRIAN HELMSLEY, is forced to put on an American accent. He's reading something, presumably a BETTER SCREENPLAY THAN THIS ONE.

**ADRIAN HELMSLEY:** Hey, hey, watch out for the gaping plot hole! *pushes open car door and storms out*

**TAXI DRIVER:** Isn't the first, won't be the last...

A toy ship is shown listing severely to one side in a puddle, in no way foreshadowing anything that's to come. Greetings are shared, quips are made, and ADRIAN enters an INSTITUTE OF ASTROPHYSICS. In this movie, that means INSTITUTE OF FORESHADOWING AND IMPENDING DOOM.

**SATNAM:** I have a silly name. Please, call me SATNAV.

**ADRIAN:** Whatever you say, TomTom. Anyway, why the heck weren't you at this ambiguous conference I'm talking about?

**SATNAV:** _YOU HAVE ARRIVED AT YOUR DESTINATION_. Sorry, I'm set to Amsterdam - what I meant to say is that we need to go underground in this nasty lift. Deep underground. Eleven thousand feet, in fact.

**ADRIAN:** Sorry, what? Over 3 kilometres underground, in this thing? Do I need to mention how expensive such a lift would've cost, or how long the trip would take? Don't get me started on the number of safety briefings...

**SATNAV:** Stop thinking, sir. You won't last long. Anyway, despite how slowly this lift was moving, we're there already. It gets hot down here, but because you're pretending to be American and this _is_ Hollywood, I'll quote the top temperature in Fahrenheit.

**ADRIAN:** So... what are we looking at?

**COMPUTER:** Beep beepity beep! I love beeping!

**SATNAV:** A screen covered in confusing diagrams, idiot. This here is also referred to as "technobabble". Things have been getting worse. Look at this...

**COMPUTER #2:** I beep more melodically!

**SATNAV:** Wait, why am I calling these "Sun eruptions"? They're friggin' solar flares. Oh right, we're meant to insult the audience's intelligence as much as possible, got it. Anyway, these _bright things_ on the screen are bad. Very bad.

**ADRIAN:** My God...

And thus begins our "My deity" count.

**SATNAV:** But I'm not done yet... The doo-dads are causing problems with real life stuff!

**ADRIAN:** But doesn't that violate the laws of Physics?

**SATNAV:** You're not learning... Repeat after me: "The laws of Physics do not apply to fictitious nonsense."

**ADRIAN:** Whatever. Lead on.

**SATNAV:** Welcome to my giant water tank. It's just under 2km deeper.

**ADRIAN:** SRY WAT.

**SATNAV:** Those doo-dads are mutating into new stuff!

**AUDIENCE:** AHHHH, he said _mutate_!

**SATNAV:** They're boiling the earth from the inside, just like microwaves!

**ADRIAN:** *takes a deep breath* ...No. Microwaves work on water molecules on the exterior. You can't tell me there's lots of water in the centre of the earth, nor would such particles even have an effect that far in if they mutate upon hitting solid matter, as you claim.

**SATNAV:** According to Jules Verne, there's giant caves and stuff down here. Fun!

The water in the tank bubbles, despite only extending to 5km below the surface. Aaaaaaand... we cut to some fancy hotel in Washington.

**Oliver Platt A.K.A. CARL ANHEUSER:** _Money, money, money/Must be funny/In the rich man's world..._

ADRIAN approaches some GUARDS WITH EARPIECES.

**ADRIAN:** I need to get in, look at my credentials!

**EARPIECE GUARD #1:** _That don't impress me much_. The guys here are wearing black ties. I hope you realise how important black ties are. Very.

**ADRIAN:** *points* You! You look like you know me.

**SCOTTY:** I know you, you're the main support actor! How'd you get back here so fast?

**ADRIAN:** I need to speak to Anheuser. Instead of asking to speak to him outside, I'd rather forcefully take your jacket, please.

**SCOTTY:** Leave my poor cheap jacket ALONE!1!

ADRIAN approaches CARL, but still insists on calling him by his LAST NAME.

**ADRIAN:** Mr Anheuser, I have something important to tell you, but you won't care.

**CARL:** You're right. How about a bit of patronisation and casual dismissal, will that work, my little munchkin?

**ADRIAN:** OMFG plz reed it? ;-; I... I'z came here frm faraway land, jst 2 sho yew! :3

EVERYONE stops talking. AWKWARD SILENCE ensues.

**CARL:** Is that supposed to make this important? You're cute when you're upset. Have a cookie.

CARL dons his OLD MAN GLASSES and reads the report. He is almost on the verge of a facial expression.

**CARL:** You work for McDonald's now. You're gonna wish you took a shower.

**ADRIAN:** Sry wat?

**CARL:** You stink really bad.

_A/N: Thought I should end the first chapter here, around seven and a quarter minutes into the two hours and thirty-seven minutes(!). Review if at all possible (because only a small portion of readers ever do), and I'll probably have the next one ready in a few days, to post next Friday (unless there's significant interest in receiving chapters earlier, the only condition being that I can't guarantee I'll be able to without fail). Kthxbai._


	2. Chapter 2: Needs More Explosions Already

_Disclaimer: I do not own, nor want to own, any rights to "2012". I also do not own The Wizard of Oz, any quips shamelessly stolen from _iheartmwpp_, "Strange Things" by Tom Jones, Aaängry Megaphone Man by The Dissociatives, or When the Generals talk by Midnight Oil._

Meanwhile, Riot Police attempt to keep a crowd containing EPIC MOHAWK MAN at bay. Suddenly, the year is 2010 and we're not in Washington any more. Lots of SELF-IMPORTANT MEN wearing BLACK SUITS are walking in a corridor. The US PRESIDENT steps up to the pulpit.

**Danny Glover A.K.A. THE PRESIDENT:** 'Sup, yo. This party is now VIP only.

**INTERPRETER:** But what if my cashed-up friend here doesn't understand?

**THE PRESIDENT:** GTFO.

INTERPRETER and plenty of other people wearing BLACK SUITS up and leave.

_**THE**_** PRESIDENT, NOT JUST **_**ANY**_** PRESIDENT:** _There are strange things happenin', everyday..._ Keep this here ditty on the down-low, but my smart peeps have proven the world's going to end.

**RANDOM HEAD OF STATE:** ...Is Celine Dion releasing another album?

A harsh sound, not unlike a Celine Dion song, scares the crap out of anyone who has nodded off. For anyone else actually watching, it piledrives the ominous message preceeding it into your cranium. While those with sensitive hearing recover from shock, we're now in Tibet. Just in case there was the slightest chance of you forgetting, the year is still 2010.

**AAÄNGRY MEGAPHONE MAN:** _The whale it would reign/Like a king on a storm cloud..._

**CROWD:** ...What?

A bunch of OLD PEOPLE and a RANDOM MONK are carted away on a truck with no explanation. A guy who looks like Anh Do seems concerned about the RANDOM MONK.

**ANH DO LOOKALIKE: **You said "brother", were you even talking to me? Am I referring to you as "grandmother"? I need to stare at you and neglect the direction I'm running in!

**GUARDS: ***slide in from stage left* Haaaaaaaai. Did you want to run in front of the truck and potentially get run over? Too bad, what we've got in store for you is _so_ much better...

The POOR YET WELL DRESSED VILLAGERS gather around a podium, where a GENERAL enquires as to their capabilities.

**GENERAL'S HENCHMAN:** _When the Generals talk/You'd better listen to him/When the Generals talk/You'd better do what he say..._

**GENERAL MUNCHKIN:** Who wants to tie my shoes?

Nobody responds.

**GENERAL MUNCHKIN:** Who has an iron press?

A few hands raise.

**GENERAL MUNCHKIN:** ...Show me your hat?

ANH DO LOOKALIKE lifts his hat.

**GENERAL MUNCHKIN:** *points* This guy. He serves no additional purpose in this story, plus his hat sucks. He needs to die.

Suddenly, sirens sound and several explosive devices, as they are wont to do, explode on the mountain right in front of the crowd.

**CROWD:** It's so convenient how well this shot was framed! We were looking right at it and everything!

The explosion's purpose is never explained, and we never learn of the fate of this crowd. They are never shown again in this film. Let's just assume they DIE.

Suddenly, we're looking at a BRIEFCASE, in a hotel in LONDON. FYI, it's like totally 2011 now, lol.

**BRIEFCASE MAN:** Gee, metal detectors sure look like pistol silencers these days!

A RANDOM ARAB is reading what looks suspiciously like an iPad.

**RANDOM ARAB:** I say, old chap, I speak fluent English, yet the document on this unsecure tablet computer is in Arabic! You must understand, despite how rich I look, I'm really dirt poor. I can't afford 1 billion Dollars.

**BRIEFCASE MAN:** LOL! Can has misunderstanding? It's Euros, you dolt.

The RANDOM ARAB has his smug smile wiped clean off his face. Meanwhile, in the Louvre in PARIS, perfect replicas of priceless artworks are being put up under cover of darkness.

**Thandie Newton A.K.A. LAURA WILSON:** Ooh, I speak French. Naughty. Anyway, nobody will be able to tell the difference between this fake and the real Mona Lisa as the landscape around them contorts violently, eventually killing them!

**Patrick Bauchau A.K.A ROLAND PICARD:** I wonder if my name is perhaps a concatenation of the director's first name and his favourite Star Trek captain? No matter. The original should be safe in my vault. Err, that is, to say, that it should be safe in a bunker in Switzerland.

**LAURA:** Given what's going to happen to Earth, are you _completely_ stupid? Wait, that's not my line. I mean, "Perfectly safe, Roland".

We zoom in on Lisa del Giocondo (A.K.A. Mona Lisa)'s smile, as the music swells and the 2012 logo appears. We could _never_ have figured out what movie we were watching, could we guys?

_A/N: Sorry for the late update. I hadn't finished in time, plus I went on a weekend getaway with the family. Finished this as soon as I got back, which was about an hour ago._

_Remember, you don't have to review, but not doing so when you easily could will cause God, or whatever deity you believe in, to downgrade your computer to Windows ME, or if you're on a Mac, it will spontaneously explode. Just so you know. Anonymous reviews are welcome._


	3. Chapter 3: The Plot Is In A Coma

_Disclaimer: I do not own, nor want to own, any rights to "2012". I also do not own Liar Liar, Bruce Almighty, Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail, or that fake spider I hid in your bed. Google "huntsman spider" if you dare._

Once the BIG FAT LOGO gets out of the way, we find ourselves staring at a GRAINY TV SCREEN. Here's the extremely brief and fleeting explanation for the world ending. Don't miss it, people!

**REPORTER:** Apparently I'm talking out of my arse. I claim that the Mayan-Quiche calendar (wait, isn't quiche food? Their calendar is edible?) predicts the end of time? What? Apparently, along with a ridiculous proportion of the civilised world, I'm extremely good at ignoring the fact that there were larger digits and that the date will simply clock over to the next biggest digit. But wait, that spoils the premise of this whole movie! I-

**NEWS ANCHOR:** Yeah, STFU. According to our trained monkeys, the sun's gonna go bonkers on that day. COINCIDENCE?

Only now do we find out that we're in California, at Manhattan Beach. The set suddenly vibrates unconvincingly.

**NEWS ANCHOR:** The Mayan calendar, waah waah waah, _galactic_ alignment, more BS...

We are finally introduced to the Hero, John Cusack A.K.A. Jackson Curtis A.K.A. Cent 50.

**ROLAND EMMERICH:** Nobody will ever know how clever that name is...

**JACKSON CURTIS:** *glances at his watch* Oh crap, this movie's still got _hours_ left. I'll say "I'm a dead man" over and over, because it's what people would consider _ironic_, as nobody believes for a second that I will be - I'm John friggin' Cusack. Wait, why did I sign up to this train-wreck? I NEED TO DO MY TEETH.

He jumps up, with complete disregard for his belongings, and does so. His phone rings. Yay. His phone is atop a BOOK THAT SURELY ONLY CULTIVATED PEOPLE WOULD READ.

**JACKSON:** Hey Kate! I'm a compulsive liar! This scene was done earlier and better in Liar Liar!

He stumbles over a crapload of his own books on the way out the door. Oh, he's a writer? Couldn't he have written himself a better script, perhaps? Anyway, his DAMN CAR won't start. A crapload of SURFING DUDES leave us with no doubt as to the location, we're _definitely_ in California... Because we all know that surfers only propagate near the beach, right? Our "hero" drives away in his LIMO A.K.A. WORK VEHICLE, completely unaware of the BIG CRACK IN THE ROAD and the accompanying GATHERING CROWD. The SURFING DUDES like this.

**SURFING DUDE:** Woah... Siiiiick. I can see, like, China from here or something.

**THE GAP:** We just got owned.

**THE EARTH:** You ain't seen nothing yet.

Jackson drives past a walking stereotype, carrying a sign. As it is intended as foreshadowing, and I'm getting bored of all that, I feel it ought to say "REPENT! RONALD MCDONALD IS NEAR", for all the good it'll do. (This scene was done earlier and better in Bruce Almighty.)

Jackson arrives at his TOKEN EX's place. Yay, more characters.

**SON:** Jackass – Err, I mean, Jackson, WTF is this?

**JACKSON:** It's a vehicle. I predict that because you're calling me by my first name, you don't like me, and that you will completely change your mind by the end of this travesty because I "prove" myself to you.

**SON:** I like turtles.

**EX-WIFE CALLED KATE:** You're taking them in a limo? Of all the stupi- Okay, great!

**JACKSON:** ...Are you bi-polar? No wonder we're divorced.

**KATE:** Are you brushing your teeth? Are you remembering to visit the amenities? Do you eat that little mint on your pillow as soon as you check into a hotel?

**COOL DAD A.K.A. GORDON:** Watch out for bears. Rawr.

**KATE:** Your daughter still wets the bed. She needs nappies.

**JACKSON:** Still?

**KATE:** Yes. I'm going to subtly take a jab at you and your failing parenting by saying that you really should know that. You don't spend enough time around them and when you do you neglect them. You know nothing, you miserable cretin! Have fun!

**JACKSON:** ...

Oh hai, cruise ship. I wonder why you're in the movie. Look, more characters to forget. These guys are super special, they're _musicians_. Plus, they're needed for a sub-plot later.

**MUSICIANS:** Allow us to exposit a bit of background information about us, baby. Look, there's our act on the list.

They really _are_ super special – they're not just musicians, they're _jazz_ musicians.

**MUSICIANS:** We're old, baby. Grandparents and all. Go see your boy, baby. At least talk to him. Life's too short-

Newsflash! This interruption is brought to you by _FREAKISH WAVES THROWING THE BOAT AGAINST THE DOCKS_!

Everyone is surprised by the turn of events despite all the warnings. For those concerned, the boat was miraculously unharmed. The quest for the Holy Grail, could continue. The camera crew sneaks into Laura's room at night and is filming her while she sleeps, but she is awoken by her phone ringing.

**LAURA:** Hello?

**TELEMARKETER:** Congratulations, you have just won a _**FREE**_ vacation!

**LAURA:** …

**ROLAND, NOT EMMERICH BUT RATHER PICARD:** Lau-rah? I am only keeding. I'm on Verizon – Can you hear me? ...Can you hear me now?

**LAURA:** …

As this movie is sorely behind on its subtitle quota, French is used.

**ROLAND:** They lied to us!

**LAURA:** Who?

**ROLAND:** The film-makers! They said we would actually have decent and memorable characters! Actually, I don't know – The script doesn't say. But the fact of the matter is, everybody should know!

**LAURA:** Know what?

**ROLAND:** The truth!

**LAURA:** What truth?

ROLAND: I DON'T KNOW! Oh wait, I do. The artworks we so cleverly duplicated and hid, they're not in the Swiss Alps anymore! I haz proofs! ...Hello? Laura? Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?

**LAURA:** You're going into a tunnel, idiot!

As the movie is also woefully behind on its explosions quota, poor ol' Roland #2 never gets to see the light at the end of _that_ tunnel. Get it? Get it? ...Huh? ...I should shove my terrible puns _where_?

_A/N: I always seem to hit the deadline and still not have finished. This one was finished (after 2 hours of frantic writing) around 12:31AM on Saturday, GMT +11. Not too bad considering Friday was my first busy day in a while – the rest of the week was spent procrastinating. Whoops._

_You don't have to review if you don't want to, but it would be highly advisable if you value your significant other. What will I do to them, you ask? I'll give them a ticket to an ocean cruise I stole off Jack Dawson, because he was both fictional and only existed for the sake of a love story, without which, Titanic would have been a rather boring documentary. Then I'd force you to watch said documentary, complete with Nyan cat looping in the background, as your significant other fights to stay alive amongst the debris of the sunken ship. Yes, I'm completely bending time to suit my own ends. No, I'm not Doctor Who._


	4. Chapter 4: The Return of the Dead Guy

_A/N: iheartmwpp actually reviewed this story! I am not worthy O.O_

_Thanks to all who have reviewed. It really means a lot, and it encourages me to keep going. Also a good mood booster._

_Disclaimer: I do not own, nor want to own, any rights to "2012". I also do not own Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire", Samuel L. Jackson, Geology terminology copied off Wikipedia, or Gary Coleman's most famous phrase._

When we last left our heroes and villains, ROLAND PICARD had decided to call LAURA. Lulz ensued when his car promptly exploded. The viewer is unsure who to blame, but doesn't care. We abruptly cut back to the hero, JACKSON CURTIS. He's out in the middle of whoop-whoop (otherwise known as Yellowstone National Park in Montana... or is it Wyoming). He is attempting to sing a country song with his daughter.

**JACKSON and DAUGHTER:** _I fell into a burning ring of fire/I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher..._

**SON:** *glares* Such a jerk. Putting me in this car, inadvertently forcing me to play my PSP... Where's my charger, dammit? *rolls eyes*

Suddenly, the car radio starts dropping out in a COMPLETELY CONVINCING way. Naturally, JACKSON DROPS EVERYTHING to retune it.

**DAUGHTER:** WAAH THAT WAS MY FAVOURITE TUNE I'M GONNA GO SULK.

The radio is magically tuned to the only station still operating in the area: Charlie's Continual Crapfest!

**CHARLIE:** The West Coast is goin' down! I don't know why, but that made me think, "Charles, it is of the utmost urgency that you transport your mentally impaired donkey to Yellowstone post-haste!" It'll totally be the best place to be to watch everything go kaboom, because surely the location of geysers correlates perfectly with the location of most of the action in this movie! Allow me to explain the crappy sound effect that almost sounds like helicopter blades: choppers on your six!

Helicopters, as if on cue, fly overhead.

**DAUGHTER:** Weird.

**JACKSON:** I know, right? What are the odds of him saying that right when we saw the choppers, it's almost like it was _scripted_!

**ROLAND EMMERICH:** **

We cut back to the Oval Office. One of the almost forgotten characters, whom this author has had to revisit a previous chapter to remember the name of, is reeling off TECHNOBABBLE to the PRESIDENT.

**ADRIAN:** We're not seeing any Australopithecus in the Holocene, or any evidence of erosional angular unconformity in the thrust fault.

**THE PRESIDENT:** English, moederneuker, do you speak it?

Oh right, CARL said it. Whatever.

**ADRIAN:** I beg your pardon! Just because the author doesn't like swearing, doesn't make it any less offensive in Dutch. In layman's terms, the West Coast is goin' down, bitches!

**PRESIDENT SIR:** Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Helmsley?

**ADRIAN:** I had some kind of schedule for something in particular, but it was wrong. Sowwi :3

**'SUP MR PRESIDENT:** *sighs* I could never resist those puppy-dog eyes.

Suddenly, LAURA barges in. The author has just discovered that she is, in fact, the President's daughter. Funny that.

**LAURA:** Just what sort of position do I even have in this movie? How did I get clearance to just "barge in"? Oh yeah, I'm his daughter. Look at this newspaper – I'm an adult and I can buy crap, woot!

The newspaper features our old friend, ROLAND THE DEAD GUY. Nobody reacts, nor does anyone know who it is, until LAURA turns on the TV conveniently located right in front of her. I don't think I'd care to watch movies in here, would you?

**AUDIENCE:** Oh right... _THAT_ guy.

**NEWS ANCHOR:** This unfortunate but very very important guy, was important. Also, he died in the same tunnel as Princess Diana. COINCIDENCE?

Cue the Elton John music. The President TURNS THIS CRAP OFF.

**PRESIDENT, RPRZNT:** It's time for the two British-actors-pretending-to-be-American to meet each other. Laura, meet Adrian.

**LAURA:** *eyes Adrian and explodes* This guy is a jerk! He said my organisation sucks!

Both ADRIAN and CARL take this as their cue to exit.

**PREZ:** Wait, what organisation? Does anybody even know? BTW, you totally look like your mother when you're angry, lol.

**LAURA:** Please go die in a tsunami.

**PRESIDENT:** Funny you should say that...

**LAURA:** It's not important! A man was killed!

**EL PRESIDENTE:** ...You're just realising this now? People die everyday. That said, your emotions have affected my judgement. Allow me to reveal some extremely confidential information.

**LAURA:** I know what you keep in your socks drawer, dad.

**P TO THE REZ:** It's not that...

**LAURA:** I also know about your wild night in Vegas.

**MR PRESIDENT WHATEVER HIS REAL NAME IS:** It's not that, either!

**LAURA:** *sighs* What is it this time?

**PRESIDENT THINGY:** An unprecedented international endeavour is underway.

**LAURA:** Could you possibly talk to me in casual English rather than political correctness?

**DADDY PRESIDENT:** No, I'm in politician mode. This "thing" of which I speak currently has 46 nations pumping cash into it.

**LAURA:** What about the other 150 countries?

The scene abruptly ends, with no further explanation. We follow CARL and ADRIAN while they walk, yay.

**CARL:** Laura's smarter than our target audience. She'll figure it out.

**ADRIAN:** Figure _what_ out? Nobody's being specific! Allow me to be the first. That, uh, kaboom car in Paris, was that our fault?

**CARL:** Aaaaaand... Changing the subject now. Focus on _our_ timeline.

**ADRIAN:** Our what? So, when can I use Twitter or Facebook to tell everyone?

**CARL:** What? You actually want to _tell_ the citizens of this nation, nay, the entire _Earth_, of our impending doom? You BLASPHEMER!

**ADRIAN:** I just meant my friends and family, but the entire Earth would be nice too.

**CARL:** Well, of course you want to tell them. I suppose that after that, it'll all be sunshine and roses, right?

**ADRIAN:** Don't patronise me.

**CARL:** Go back to Yellowstone. BTW, you totally have the hots for the First Daughter, lol!

**ADRIAN:** She has a name, you know. Why did you even mention it, unless this is the set-up for the love interest at the end of the movie?

**CARL:** If you want to nail her, you might want to apologise for being a douche to her earlier. Flowers. Flowers always work.

CARL walks away, and some random extra (who is out of frame, ooh disembodied voices, creepy) informs ADRIAN of the chopper waiting for him.

_A/N: We're _still_ not up to the big explosions and near misses and close shaves and implausible escapes and rewritten physics and generic action that the audience is waiting for. In other news, I actually finished this chapter the day before I normally post, yay for me. I'm posting this as soon as it becomes Friday where I live, because I felt like it. So sue me._

_Review, or your preferred deity will sacrifice LOLcats on my behalf, whilst I dip you in a vat of melting cheese. I will then proceed to blow up the moon just like Alderaan. Now you've got me wishing I had a Death Star..._


	5. Chapter 5: I'll Get Back To You

A/N: I apologise for the extended lack of updates. I actually had stuff going on these holidays (family stuff, but still stuff). I'm attempting to make it up to you, dear reader, by spending the last hour of 2011 working on this chapter. Consider it a belated Christmas and non-belated New Year gift.

_Disclaimer: I do not own, nor want to own, any rights to "2012". I also do not own "Something There" from The Beauty and The Beast, Teletubbies, that one line from the Matrix, "You're Winner!" from Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing (possibly the worst computer game in existence), or your father's power tools._

Previously, on I Can't Believe It's Not Over, nothing eventful has happened. The viewer has been repeatedly assaulted with foreshadowing and dialogue, neither of which bode well for what is supposed to be an action movie.

Meanwhile, JACKSON is taking his two children on a WILD GOOSE CHASE.

**JACKSON:** I'm actually taking them to where I used to hang out with their mother.

**DAUGHTER WHOSE NAME ESCAPES THIS AUTHOR:** I have no dialog, therefore I don't react at all.

**SON DUDE GUY THING:** I'm pre-pubescent and the first thing I think of is taking you out of context. _EWW, SEX!_ Did you really take your Jackson and...

**JACKSON:** Wait, what? We played poker.

**SONNY BOY:** Sure you did.

**JACKSON:** Come on, is it really that odd for two people of indeterminate age to be playing... I don't know, chess, or card games, in a secluded location?

**SON LAD:** Was it strip poker, Jackson?

**JACKSON:** …Please stop highlighting how much you hate me. I think the audience gets it by now. Also, allow me to incriminate myself by not denying your claims outright.

Suddenly, The TRIO OF GENERIC CITYFOLK come across a RANDOM FENCE.

**MRS POTTS:** _There may be something there that wasn't there before..._

**JACKSON:** We all know what to do with fences that say "RESTRICTED AREA", right? Trespass!

JACKSON clambers over the fence, which bends far too much for what is meant to be aluminium. His DAUGHTER follows.

**SON:** Why am I the only one who cares about this?

The SON's question is treated as rhetorical, and is never answered. We see a dried up lake.

**JACKSON:** There used to be a lake here! *pouts*

The TRIO OF INTENTIONAL REBELLION head closer to the DRIED UP SALT PUDDLE, which only now has instruments and yellow tape around it. It's also bubbling.

**JACKSON:** Nice cauldron.

Meanwhile, unknown to the TRIO OF CAUTIOUS CURIOSITY, it has just become 2012 where this author lives. Also, there's a creepy guy hiding in the bushes, watching them.

**BUSH MAN:** The cat has entered the basket!

Suddenly, a CRAPLOAD OF ARMED VEHICLES appear, along with one of the RANDOM HELICOPTERS from earlier.

**DAUGHTER LASS THINGY:** Who is that?

**JACKSON:** How the hell should I know? Sorry, didn't read my line – I seem to know it's the U.S. Army.

Our BUSHY FRIEND states the obvious.

**BUSHY MAN:** They're being accosted by some government dudes.

Aaaaaaaaand... Back to the TRIO OF BEWILDERED STARES.

**SOLDIER:** Hey dumbass, not sure if you realised, but you're in a restricted area. Get in the vehicle.

The "wild" BUSH MAN hasn't seen action like this since 'Nam. JACKSON and his KIDS are driven to a base that was completely hidden by the hill. Our ol' friend, ADRIAN, is there talking with a BOFFIN.

**ADRIAN:** This is unbelievable. So very unbelievable. The temperature 12km below our feet is 2700°C? How are we still alive?

**BOFFIN:** If you think that's implausible, I've got a movie script for you... Anyway, the whole point I'm in this scene is to establish how bad things are. That is, to say... _very_. That temperature is rising by half a percent every hour.

The full impact of such a statement is completely lost on the audience, who are about to rage at the lack of action scenes. The effect is compounded by the RANDOM WHITECOAT interrupting what is meant to be an important moment.

**RANDOM WHITECOAT:** Yo Doc, we picked up some "tourists" in the hot zone. What noobs.

ADRIAN meets JACKSON.

**JACKSON:** Hai.

**ADRIAN:** Hai.

**JACKSON**: Can has lake? :3

**ADRIAN:** Nuuuu .-.

**JACKSON:** :'(

**ADRIAN:** Area. Unstable. Time for tubby bye-bye!

ADRIAN looks at JACKSON's ID.

**ADRIAN:** Wait a minute, you're not the guy who wrote that thing, are you?

**JACKSON:** I might be.

**ADRIAN:** Wow! I really suck up to you here! Let's enter into a casual conversation, touching on foreshadowing and some more foreshadowing. Let's not worry about our impending doom or anything.

ADRIAN walks in on the BOFFIN's skype call with SATNAV.

**ADRIAN:** Whoa! Put that thing away! It's time to chat, not cyber!

SATNAV just stares.

**ADRIAN:** Hellooo? Earth to Satnav? Don't tell me you've frozen up while calculating the optimal (and ultimately completely wrong) conversational route.

**BOFFIN:** He knows. Err, about the temperature reading, that is.

**SATNAV:** Other people around the globe can confirm very similar data. TURN LEFT! TURN LEFT!

**ADRIAN:** Are you sure?

**SATNAV:** No one can be sure of anything, but yes, I'm sure. We're definitely right. The Earth's crust is destabilising.

**ADRIAN:** *stunned, drawn out stare* Wait, I was wrong? My predictions were optimistic? Well isn't that just great. Optimism bias strikes again.

**SATNAV:** Buckle your seatbelt Dorothy, because Kansas... is going _bye-bye_.

**ADRIAN:** My God. What a prophetic and yet entirely unsuitable movie quote to insert there.

So far, the "My deity" count is sitting at a measly two.

**BOFFIN:** For all our technology, we couldn't predict what an ancient, human-sacrificing, stone-age, wheel-less and telescope-less civilisation supposedly could. WE'RE WINNER!

ADRIAN continues staring in disbelief, as JACKSON's kids dance outside while waiting for their army escort.

**ADRIAN:** I'm upset about this. I seem to be taking it personally. Satnav, you may have only had a few minutes of screen time, but you're really important, so you're getting airlifted! Hooray!

**SATNAV:** Oddly named son of mine, we're going on a big ship! An... ark, of sorts!

Cue the Noah's Ark puns, as the audience gets the first actual mention of the plot device which hangs around like a bad smell for the second half of the film.

_A/N: Again, apologies for the huge gap between updates. I hope this will be adequate for everyone, until I publish the next one. If it isn't up next week, you have my permission to review me negatively without retribution. However, until that day..._

_If you don't review, having (hopefully) read a significant portion of the current work, I may have to wrench your arms from your sockets and repeatedly bop you on the head with them for the sake of a bad pun: "stop hitting yourself!". I will also use puns such as: "need a hand?", "can you hand-le these?", and "you're pretty hand-y to have around". Hopefully this will prove to be too much, and you will dictate a review to me, which I will post on your behalf. I'll return your arms, of course. Perhaps a taxidermist could help with that._

_Bonus points for a review that features hand puns. What bonus points, you ask? I have no idea. Karma points, how about that._


End file.
